I have been thinking a lot about prejudice and how it seems usually based in fear, and fear which is usually based in not knowing or understanding another entity. Gardening has brought this line of thought to the forefront, that and a summer of killing bugs that fly into my house.
If the intruder is not a mosquito, spider, waterbug, ant or biting fly, then I usually try to catch them and release them outside.
I realized this past year with all the worry about kids and swine flu, and all the other potential pandemics that seemed to dominate the world for a number of news cycles that I was more worried about mosquitoes, and killing anything that slightly resembled one, if flew in that kind of hovering helicopter style that they do, with a similar body type and wings that was close enough.
Then I eventually thought I am surely killing some insects that are completely harmless because of my fear of another species. I began to think about how my lack of knowledge was the impetus for me going against my normal moral code of not killing anything but plants.
God and the plants I rip up as weeds everyday gardening, I have little idea what is a "weed" and what is not, if it looks like something "bad" then it gets rooted out.
And then there is taking care of our lawn which is like a fucking genocide on the micro level, I am ripping up large clumps of ground and chopping bugs and worms in half and seeing all kinds of living creatures fleeing in terror because the roof of their world has just been ripped off, exposing them to a harsh sun and a weapon wielding approximately 136 story building* sized behemoth. Not to mention what must be going through the little minds of my yard denizens when I lumber over with my gas lawnmower ...
Not that I feel any differently about the need to eradicate racism, sexism and class-ism and prejudice to the extent that it can legitimately be done, but I know have a better understanding from where those wrongful beliefs emanate, and can see how they seem logical to those who have little understanding of those different than themselves, little understanding of the Tao and the oneness of life and little understanding of logical thinking.
*approximation based on the assumed average height of a bug.
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I think my version of a mid-life crisis is that I can not stop thinking about making art and music, I have kind of pushed that part of me deep down and tried to pile tons of shit on top of it, with internet dj'ing and making mix tapes being my only safety valve for this drive. Well seemingly soon after my wife let me know it was time to move on to the next phase in life, going to grad school or getting a job, I kind of freaked out a bit not being able to comprehend how we were going to take care of the kids when I often feel bad about the parenting job we are doing now, even with me being at home with them.
Eventually I realized that two large factors behind my discomfort had to do with my fear of our children being abused, because I have seen that virtually destroy many people's lives around me, and if I am at home and on top of things the likelihood of that happening is drastically cut down.
Secondly not having a relationship with my biological father has resulted in me only having about four or five memories of him, some of which I am sure are triggered by photos from when I was probably too young to actually remember the events. That is a pretty shitty state of affairs, and I think am afraid of not being a major part of the boys lives, also it is real easy to not get into trouble being at home raising kids. I will leave the various ways of getting into trouble to your imagination, being at home makes it impossible, for me at least, to ignore the needs of my children and to develop back into a more selfish person like I was and most people are before they have kids.
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I have also been thinking about how it is impossible to change who you are, unless you are willing to tirelessly work at it. Even after you believe you have successfully left certain undesirable parts of yourself behind, they often return if you do not stay vigilant.
Somethings we change about ourselves are really just repression and some are positive advancements along a never ending road growth.
One worry I have is that we are predestined in who we truly are, most likely from a combination of our genetics and environment, I can not seriously image a god of any sort mapping out our lives for us, unless our world is some kind of narrative that they are writing.
This would explain how tough it is for people who pull themselves out dire situations like drug addiction or poverty often seem to lose it all after they have worked so hard to make it. Is it self-loathing, not feeling worthy of success, or just reverting back to who one truly is, like no matter how much money Mike Tyson earned he is still that fucked up kid with no family to rely on, and Kurt Cobain was going to be miserable no matter how much fame, heroin and money he acquired.
I fear that being successful at anything but solving whatever is at the core of our psychological, emotional and physical problems leaves us only to return to our "true/predetermined" nature.
I fear that even though I have been successful at being a husband and father in a middle to upper middle class environment that my true nature is to be a failed artist, and to strive at rectifying that failure. When I think about myself I do not think about my financial security, career or lack there of, I just am sickened at my lack of production and follow-through with artistic projects, be it music, writing, collage, graphic design, painting, the only arena where I have an internal drive besides taking care of children and being a better person is in art. I am kind of old and saddled with responsibilities to start down that path without being a completely selfish and possibly delusional ass, "I plan to leave my loving family and comfortable home on the small chance that I have missed out on some sort of untapped artistic potential and with no training and very little experience I want embark on a life of creating art. Oh what kind of art, not sure yet."
Are we what we do or what we picture ourselves as?
I will try to get back to cute stories about my boys, they still crank out the cuteness on a daily basis, I am just not online blogging as much lately so I have not been recounting their exploits as much.
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4 comments:
Carlo, I have just about the same amount of memories of my father and half or more are bad. I lived with him until I was 7 and he was addicted to heroin as far back as I can remember to my first memories. He ultimately chose heroin over me and I'm not sure if he's living or not at this point. Growing up with just a mom, no siblings had a massive impact on my early social development in a negative way. Low self esteem, social awkwardness and basically hiding from people still effect my life in negative ways. My mom was super young/inexperienced raising me so I picked up a lot of feminine and otherwise wacky ways of dealing with the world and people. I'm almost 40 now and am working as a temp,have nothing to my name financially, am on very shaky ground with regards to my marriage and can't even imagine the possibility of having a "normal" life with children with the way I've lived my life thus far.
Why am I writing this? I guess its just to give you a little perspective and let you know that you're not the only one out there dealing with heavy issues and mid-life crises.
What do you say we get together and head over to some Porsche dealers and take a red convertible out for a test drive?
Rusty, not my Dad, but my oldest brother was addicted to heroin and last I heard, like 20 years ago he had AIDS, so he is most likely dead, since broke assed junkies usually did not last too long with AIDS back in the day, and my father if he is alive would be around 80 right now and from what my Mom told me he wasn't in best health 40 years ago, so I can't imagine if he is alive he is doing so great, but I know how it is not to know if some one who is suppose to be an important part of your live is alive or dead.
My brother that you know has also fallen of the map due to mental illness and addiction, so currently I am sort of an only child as well ...
Carlo, maybe you can go to school with the goal of becoming an art therapist; that way you can study/make art and transition into grad school/career building phase.
Hi Carlo - It's been a while (I have been home on disability for a few weeks for some surgery!).
1. Maybe you're totally over this, but: Having a kid is a work of art. You and Julieanne are raising exceptional human beings. Also, what you're doing is very important to feminism. The "work" of building good, loving, socially conscious children is unpaid and therefore unworthy of the same type of respect as "concrete' accomplishments --that's unfortunately built into our society. So: hats off.
2. SO many artists start "late"! Bukowski didn't publish a novel until he was like 50 or something. I love the idea of you doing art therapy or music therapy.
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