Friday, July 22, 2011

Kid Sun Bake Soccer Cup, last team not suffering heat stroke wins!

I am torn, it is 100 degrees out and will be the same tomorrow, and my 9 year-old son has a soccer tournament this weekend, where they play two games a day. My wife is freaked out because some cadet at West Point died in the heat yesterday, and the tournament in Upstate NY. We decided to not have him play. I called out doctor for his opinion, he got back to us after we made up our minds and my wife and kids went to the shore for the next day and a half.
The doctor said it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to make sure the kids stay very hydrated, get frequent breaks and stop playing as soon as they get any symptoms like dizziness or nausea.

My gut feels like things would have been okay, and I do not want to be the kind of parent that gives into fear because something bad happened somewhere once in the world in a similar situation, but when I called the tournament and they said there is no set temperature where they would cancel the games, I was like fuck it, they seem more concerned about not cancelling games and having to refund teams than playing it safe, so hopefully the second day of the tournament will be under 100 degrees.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


So my 9 year-old kept asking questions trying to figure out how babies are made, so I just decided to tell him last night.
Previously we had told him that you take a little piece of the daddy and a little piece of the mommy and put it in the mommy and the baby grows from there.
Last night in the least racy way possible I told him that mommys have a tiny room inside them called a womb and the daddy uses his penis to put sperm, which look like tiny tadpoles and have all of the information about the dad, inside the womb. The mommy has an egg in the womb and it has all of the information about the mommy. The sperms race to the egg, and the strongest and fastest sperm connects with the egg, which then makes a hard shell so no more sperms can get in. Then the information from both parents mix to start creating a baby!

He was very mature and fine with this. He did ask, "What if the stuff doesn't come out?" To which I answered, "You just keep pushing it in until it does."
Son, "I do not like that part with putting the penis inside the mommy, is there another way to make a baby with a scientist or doctor?" Me, "Well yes, it costs lots of money, but they can take the sperm and eggs out of the parents combine them and then put them in the mommy, or take the sperm out of the daddy and put it into the mommy, but the regular way works better and it is free. You could adopt a baby too." Him, "No then it would not be a 'insert our sir name'."

My wife walks into the bathroom and I say everything went well, he is just not enthused about the putting the penis in the mommy part. She answered, "Oh honey it is okay you will enjoy doing it." He then opens up the shower curtain and starts to gyrate his naked crotch around in a dance music video informed nine year-old's interpretation of sleazy dancing stating in a deep raspy voice, "Oh yeah it's fun I'm gonna like it!" We kind of went into shock, then he turns back into himself and is about 100 times more grossed out by the idea of having to put his penis inside someone.
I told him not to worry when he grows up and meets his future wife his body will tell him when he is ready to make a baby and he does not have to worry about it for a number of years to come. And then I tease my wife like crazy for making the situation way more icky than it had been.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Trying to figure out sex

My 9 year-old has been trying to figure out sex lately.
Last night he asked his mother if I peepee in her butt to make a baby?

A month ago he told her that his friend needed his dad to help him do something, so the dad paused what he was watching on TV or his computer. He said the image on the screen was a man peeing in a woman's mouth.
My wife began to laugh nervously which lead our son to ask, "Are you laughing because you let daddy do that to you?"

I think it will be time for "the talk" to be happening pretty soon.

ps. Despite our numerous explanations he still thinks tampons are for ending pregnancies and calls them, "Baby Killers," as in, "So wait you don't swallow the baby killers, you put them inside your body?"

Friday, July 08, 2011

One of the ancillary annoyances of having depression

One of the ancillary annoyances of having depression issues is the realization that the things bothering you are often not as serious as those giving difficultly to others around you and yet they feel as if they are.

As I was driving to my therapist yesterday I was in a pissy mood and then saw a young blind man being taught how to use his cane as he crossed the busy street I was driving on; a few minutes ago I was thinking about talking about my general malaise with a friend I am having dinner with tomorrow night and quickly remembered that his wife is leaving him but they don't have the money to support two separate households so they are still living together, which makes me say to myself, "What the fuck are you having trouble dealing with? Your kids wanting to play video games everyday and not cleaning up behind themselves, your wife being to tired after work to hang out, really? And your therapist, chiropractor, physical therapist and massage therapy aren't enough to help you deal with the stress of life. Be satisfied with the privileged life you enjoy and somehow convince yourself that it is enough, because it is more than most people on earth have experienced."

I have to stop letting my kids bait me into arguments, my six year-old after being given a stern talking to about all of the things he could be doing to stave off boredom was having a temper tantrum because he did not want to clean up and he wanted me to play with him, I told him that I had cleaning up of my own to do and sometimes we have to do boring things in life, part of my job was to do boring things like clean up the house.
As I climbed the stairs I heard him asking why did I chose that job if it was boring and I did not like it. Normally I would get in his face about being disrespectful, but I just kept walking. Something I am going to try to do more of after making whatever my original point is.